Different (and not afraid to admit it)

Apparently so, or I would not be looking up “being single” on effing Google right now.

Okay, so I am well aware and firmly believe (I know I’ve probably said it before) that when you least expect it, stuff is going to happen. And that includes dating, finding employment, and as I’ve realised over the past few days…future academic plans. LOL. But there are times when I will fall into a mental, emotional rut because I’m either not in a relationship (and others around me are), looking in the vast ocean that is the job market and not finding anything, not getting into a grad school, or two or more of the above. 

But nowadays, I’m not as bad off as I used to be. I am more comfortable with being single (most of the time), rethinking the grad schools and programmes I am interested in, and technically have a job. So in essence, everything, or at least most everything, is just fine and dandy. 

Except in those circumstances when I’m PMSing or just plain depressed. Like…now.

Damn!

I absolutely, absolutely hate it when I get like this. I cannot say that enough. It’s like…one day I’m gallivating around, singing about how I like being single and not having to rely (or worse, be smothered or insulted) by a guy, and the next day start bawling internally and externally. It really is a pain in the effing ass, and because of it I want to get a pistol and kill myself, war criminal style*. Well, by thinking like that, I am being a criminal…to my mind. Like Criminal Minds! (I really could not resist…LOL)

For some reason, I decided to Google “being single” and somehow that innocent search morphed into a “tired of being single” Google search instead, which I think aggravated the situation. All thanks to this, I’m now stuck feeling inadequate and insecure because I’m not in a relationship, engaged, or even married. You know what, I should send a copy of this post to my church, then they would realise that at times I loathe (well, not really, it’s more like dislike) being the only woman under 25 who is not in a relationship, engaged, or married. Or even expecting, for that matter.

But this “being single” search made me feel confident, at least for a bit if not completely. I don’t have to worry about children (except when I’m babysitting obviously), having to find the perfect wedding dress (mine is already designed, thank you very much!), and possibly coming off as weird or strange when actually dating someone. Also, I don’t have to deal with all that “why don’t you get a boob job” crap. And the next time some guy says that? They’re getting burned alive. (Well, not really, but I’ll probably threaten to cut their eyes out.) The “being single” search uplifted me because 1) it reminded me that I won’t be dying anytime soon, 2) possibly become fat, which is one of my nightmares, and 3) I can still live happily ever after without a significant other, yes.

For the rest of the day, I refuse to cry over being single. Though, to be honest, I’m probably PMSing right now and that “tired of being single” search was its gift to me. PMS really does stuff to you.

Also…fate and God better know what they’re doing. Although I’m sure they probably do already.

*Well, without the cyanide capsule, I imagine it would taste rather disgusting. And also? Where would you get those things, anyway?